Thursday, January 26, 2012

"Bett and Bals:" Means and Ends

All good things may come to an end, which may be the case now-- but even with a possible ending; it may spark a new beginning....or not be an end at all. The fact that Jim Balsillie is now out a Research in Motion; it could make it harder for him to buy a team in the NHL...but it doesn't make it easier for Gary Bettman-- but they still to live together in the condo of perpetual bickering; as you're about to see now. 

(Laying on the couch lamenting about what has happened, Jim Balsillie waits for the inevitable mocking by Gary Bettman).

Jim Balsillie: And I don't know why I thought naming something "Playbook" was a good idea. This isn't football, this isn't Playboy-- what was I thinking?? Sure, tablets are the way of the future, but this is almost as bad as the tablet Moses dropped at Mount Sinai.

Gary Bettman: Is that really true??

JB: The point is that....this could be it for us, this could be the end. I know you're happy with it.

GB: Happy?? What you're out of money?? Look, Jim, we here at the NHL hold the position that even broke or crooked, you too can have a NHL franchise at your disposal. You could even hold them.

JB: (Lifting his head in shock) Are you okay?? Do you understand what you're saying, more over-- do you understand what I'm saying??

GB: Sure, you've done stuff like move teams you didn't actually own and curse on live TV when possibly drunk...but at least you're real. I'm not sure this Matthew Hulsizer is real because he's screwed me twice.

JB: It does sound like a made up name.

GB: Sure, I can understand not being able to want to keep the Coyotes or be associated with them-- but the Blues?? Come on, that's the Wal-Mart guy's old team, so you know you're getting a nice rollback in prices.

JB: Good one, but the point is this: How are other teams getting sold and moved so quickly and yet the Coyotes are still in the limbo for the past 10 years of their existence. Why do you hold onto them so much??

GB: Look, I may have sunk some money into this project and I may have bet someone in 1996 I could make this work. The limit is 20 years and you know....almost there. Almost ready to collect on that bet and I can't let myself fail in this.

JB: All this for a bet?? It better be worth it.

GB: I think it's $20 and a dinner.

JB: Twenty dollars?? Losing millions and millions for $20 doesn't seem very fiscal....

GB: But we moved the Thrashers to Winnipeg, so that buys me at least another year for that honeymoon to stay. Plus, those bastards have screwed me. Luckily, someone wanted Dallas and now-- now it's a matter of getting St. Louis and Phoenix onward and upward for another turn.

JB: It's scary that you won't let me in, but keep allowing this Hulsizer to be in the fold. We've got the same money, he's got much less moxie, what the hell is the matter with me??

GB: The puns.

JB: The puns??

GB: Think of what the writers will say on the headlines when it got done. I mean, it'd go something like "Hulsizer Me!!: Phoenix Sold." Where as you-- we'll get "Balsille Goose: NHL Finally Gives In" or "RIM-Job: NHL Bends Over." See the spot I'm in??

JB: So, rather than actually sell a team to a guy who has a decent track record, funding, and a known presence in the business world and will actually put himself out there-- you'd rather have the unknown guy who can't follow-through on anything he promises and misses deadlines....all because the headline-puns would be better??

GB: Now you get it!!

(Doorbell rings, knock on the door)

GB: Oh hell no.

JB: No, you have to do it.

GB: No, I won't-- we all know what happens, we all know how this turns out, this is pee-wee bullsh-

JB: SHUT it and open the door-- it's what everyone want to see and you know it.

GB: (Thinking.....)Okay...I'll open it, but I'll get the upper hand. (Opens door) G-BOMBED!!!! SEE I GOT YOU THIS TIME!!!

Delivery Guy: ....the hell is wrong with you?? Package for G. Bettman for a M. Hulsizer. Sign here.

GB: Sorry, I just....every time there's a door....a guy happens to be there....and....

DG: Look, I don't care for your whole issue, but better get your slacker buddy on the couch to help you because I ain't leaving the dolly here with you crazy people.

JB: Is that an iPhone?? Why not a Blackberry Curve??

DG: What is this, 2002?? Get with the times, boss.

JB: (Underbreath) jackass.

GB: Come on Jim, help me with this damn thing.

DG: Whatever it is-- it's heavy and solid....unless the premise for this show.

GB: What show??

(Delivery guy rolls his eyes and walks away)

JB: Is this the gold statue of yourself you order for the New York offices??

GB: No, it was back-ordered until June.

JB: Whatever-- I need something for my back, that was a haul.

GB: Fine, I'll open it (Takes out ceremonial scissors to cut the ends and middle)

Judge Redfield T. Baum: (Busting out of the box) T-BOMBED!!!! (Falls out of the box to tackle Gary)


JB: (Walking down the hall) That's what daddy likes.

GB: (From the ground) MY HIP FLEXOR!!!

JB: (From the hallway) What are things Rick DiPietro has said??


Captain Canuck said...

that. was. awesome.

ScottyWazz said...

Plus, leaves an opening to this silly sitcom to continue since the topic of moving a team hasn't been touched on.